writing: dream setting: garden

i was tending a very long garden, parts were already filled with plants other areas were simply freshly aerated and turned soil. Someone let my dog out of the house, and i hoped he wouldn't come trampling through the plants. He was fine (:.
I stood and turned to my left, seeing wooden trellises lining an invisible boundary that a fence might otherwise serve the purpose of. The trellises were filled with sunflowers, mostly facing in one direction. They were beautiful, and I loved their presence. I thought of my grandmother and walked along this boundary, now seeing an odd wooden sculpture that seemed to be made out of upcycled mahogany desk materials. There were black-eyed suzans all around it. I was now holding a blackberry bush. The container had a tag saying it should be placed next to a highway, that it was strong enough. But I needed to plant it by the black-eyed suzans. The next clear memory I have is standing on an elevator with some girl that I think was the character of a novel I've been reading. The numbers on the elevator didn't make sense, the two was up to the left of 6 and I rested my head against the wall of the elevator, laughing because nothing made sense and I didn't feel the need to panic. The elevator tilting back and forth, and my head started spinning. This is all I remember.

I wish my dreams were filled entirely with beauty, rather than trying to analyze boundaries in order to become aware that I'm dreaming. I really don't care if I know I'm dreaming. I just want to rest and have some tranquil dreams.

poem inspired from English class.

"surrounded by addiction, my freedom feels like a vice in itself.

riding the pale horse
she keeps her relationships carefully threaded,
attempting to control the uncontrollable.
her comfort is a lie.
sister, you are beyond lost.

sitting on her bed, crying and slurring
trying to make some connection between my altruism
and the red tail.
her sense of spirituality is egocentric and false
but she doesn't even have the ability to realize it.
she says she was embarrassed, but still wanted me to see her like that.
joke of a parent.

My freedom is a vice,
and I'm sick of your bullshit
I'm not sorry to say I'm leaving it behind
because unlike you, I'm not stuck in yesterday."

oh joy, reading poems about drug addiction in english.

writing: more on love

hopefully will be the day in which i finally find clarity.
how i need it.
the beginning of this song may be a turn off, but it starts to pick up around 1:50, and from 2:15 *sigh
"like stars in the sky, i'm floating into space. you can see it in my eyes, some say. this girl, this girl's in love.."
the limitlessness of love is probably it's most appealing quality. one can be in love with anything.
this is probably helpful if you read my older posts, when i say "i love you".. it doesn't necessarily relate to one person, or a person.
Love is always present when one is true to oneself.


... maybe something lighter is also necessary :p. take it easy.

a snapshot

I took a photo of the last probable snow I'll see this season. I know my hand isn't particularly beautiful, but I've enjoyed taking periodic photos of the snow melting away revealing greeness ^-^



because acoustic is always a good way to start the day. (especially justin vernon).

writing: hallucinogens

It all makes sense after the 'shrooms and the purple haze.

Although I believe hallucinating is cheating when it comes to life, let me just say... yum.
life is an adventure, right? groove armada knows what's up.

kosheen, always classic.

starbucks and sustainability rant

everyone was a musician.
the world would be an incredible place.
wars would be rap battles, language would be brutal democracy.
i think i may have to re-write 1984. :O
just kidding, that's a silly, fallacious idea.

I went to Starbucks today and they offered me a plastic spill stopper. I wrote customer support a letter I am rather satisfied with in regard to instance of plastic. I understand that they're catering to convenience, and yes, people need to take a sip before they drive like a maniac. And yes, I understand that I can grab one and keep it with me for future Starbucks excursions. Yes, I am aware I can bring in my own travel mug. However, that's not going to stop the majority from picking up little plastic stoppers. I'm not a hippie, but the world is far too obsessed with plastic and frankly the plastic stoppers are beyond unnecessary, they compromise Starbucks' environmental initiative and social responsibility. If you're going to incorporate Fair Trade and post-consumer product sleeves, get rid of the damn plastic.

This video has a beautiful beat and is on a rather serious issue more people should be aware of. <3peace.>

writing: dream: sound energy

i'm going to draw one of the portishead covers today hopefully. As of now, I'm taking a break from studying genetics and rewriting notes.
it's gloomy outside.
Last night i dreamt i had a significant realization about how people use sound as a means of directed energy. Kind of like how living systems harvest the sun's light energy, we can control outcomes through the use of sound energy. It was rather ridiculous, I tried explaining it to someone in my dream and the best application i could think of was 'it's why ancient peoples have rain dances'.
Now, i know i'm insane, but it's enjoyable to develop my own fabric of reality for my personal dreamland. I suppose that's what i get for reading up on Thelema before falling asleep.
Anyway, the colour compositions and perspectives of the photos combined with the song is just how i'm feeling today. i would have uploaded the instrumental mix but i couldn't find one (except on last.fm but i can't embed that).regardless, enjoy.

novel aspiration, life meddling

its 60F outside. which is incredible.
i went to bed early last night, woke up at 7am and did laundry.
i know it sounds terrible, "ew, who wants to wake up early to do laundry?!"
but it was fantastic. i love when all my clothing is clean,
and there wasn't anyone in the basement which means i could take up all the washers and dryers i wanted (laundry's free). so my clothes dried in half the time. no waiting for kids to come and take their clothes out of the machines. ^-^ life is good.

i wanted to put out there how infatuated i am with the idea of writing a book. i was standing outside the other morning, smoking a cigarette. i really find english a more elegant language than math. i know chemistry and physics are important, they help one understand reality. but i never wanted to have to take math in college. i just decided to be a bio major, and it fit so well. but i had a terrible chem background in highschool, and it kind makes this year sucky. Anyway, i was just standing outside, embracing the warmth of the sun with my eyes closed and earbuds in. i noticed all the little kids literally skipping and running into Gompers (neighboring elementary school to my university). and i just thought, 'hey, this is beautiful, if i can reminisce just looking at these kids, i damn well could write a book. not many people have a perspective like mine. not many people witness what i witness on a daily basis. i never see anyone have their solo time with a cigg and an open mind.' really, i think it's kind of similar to playing a particular piano piece, my hands just float above the keys and apply the slightest amount of pressure, conveying my feeling. i feel like that's how writing would be. obviously it takes practice and focus. but beautiful and satisfying.
i know i have these "hobbies" such as reading, piano, drawing, and now blogging. but i convinced myself that career wise i should use my brain, help work toward another scientific revolution, find solutions to major problems, be a pundit for fixing things that most of humanity neglects. but i just have this urge to write, not do math and chemistry. *sigh. i really think i want to work for the eden project at some point in my life. i love botany. i kind of just want to take the environmental science route and do the pcalc and chemistry in my own time, when i can put in the effort i know that the subject deserves. because i really do think chemistry is the most important thing i'm learning, and it deserves respect.
i suppose its time to ponder what im good at and what i have a passion for. because i know i can't accomplish monumental things without calculus and chemistry. all the ideas of inventions and solutions i have could never be enacted.
im afriad i'm not sure what i want at this point. and that goes for a lot of things.

the backwards: they are all individuals. all lost, they are social to make connections with people. out of desperation. for reasons that aren't worth two shits. (they can also be "successful" but if the forward or spinners defined it, it would be a false sense of success.)
the forward: also individuals. but the mold they've created for themselves is permanent. they're intelligent. accomplished. successful. they laid the foundation of today. true intellects, but they see too much of the world in black and white. props to them for expanding the realm of the binary.
the spinners: a whole new kind of collective.

all i know is the majority is moving backwards, few have moved forward. ill be content with spinning around, throwing everyone off, sitting down and laughing at it all. and the backwards will pretend like it never happened, the forward will shake their heads, and those that laugh will see the world through one eye. we will change things, and we'll have a more dynamic experience than the rest.


this song is called snow& taxis by gold panda. marriage is also a song you should give a listen (:

writing: a bad time

why in a dream you can touch a falling sky?
or fly to the heavens that watch over you?

dance to a vision so seductive
rain down upon me... it cleanses me with every drip
telling me it's all voodoo too.

i painted my nails green today. haven't done that in a while. i have to admit black is my definite favourite, it's such a beautiful colour. other than that is purple or green. i kind of like it green at the moment, although it looks a little immature. it is matte and muted, but i know people are going to notice and think weird things about me. i'm stillllll learning to not give a shit evidently.

I wish there was a term for the thoughts that have been invading my head lately. intrigued. curious. cautious..happy. that doesn't even come close, haha. having my own secret can be rather fun indeed. questions are so much more enlivening than facts. tomorrow is the day that never comes. the best we can do is not let today be a yesterday, but a today.
oh and if you don't like Godsmack,
i don't like you.

writing: love?

bonobo, how you soothe my soul. you represent me so well.
I love the original terrapin by them, and just came across this reversed version tonight.

needless to say, i am in love.

writing: rebellious

this song is tempting.
be what you want to be, see what you came to see, do whatever the fuck you want as long as it feels right.
let that bassline hit you.

writing: loving sunday afternoons.

so i conjured a list of short term (within the next month) things to do. i've had a mental checklist of this for a quite a while. it's not much.
start drawing on a regular basis again.
and finish my emerson book.
and buy the complete sherlock holmes collection.
i love when to-do lists sound like recipes. ingredients to yummm.
two songs today.

this song is lax, wake up & have some tea. let it take you whereever.


*sigh. this is one of my favorite songs.

writing: the future.

pick a stone, love a girl
i am the girl that lives in parallels.
dreaming. if i escape, i don't think i'll wish to return. i want to walk barefoot in a mossy forest.
but mostly, i want to walk with you.
and i want you to feel the degree to which you move me run through your veins.
it's where the song took me, at least.

def jam poetry

writing: because i had to.

For an English assignment. inspired from the song @ the end of the post and a cigarette.

Fractals surround me as I walk.

My hypnotic dream of fear.

Patiently I gaze at your face, in your

eyes, questioning the words you can’t

say.

Tell me, what is loyalty?

We both know.

And truth is Black.

But your eyes, they are as translucent as

the open window

in which I question the sky.

This time I prod the stick, and ashes

swirl up like forgotten desert dust.

A wayward ember, I rest on my

bed, at peace with the hurt of

knowing.

Breathe out the past, I am needless

Breathe in the future, I wait

for you to make my insanity my reality.

Solace of my anxiety.

_______________________________________________________

writing: My Birthday

things to remember today:
Life is inherently beautiful.
Writing a haiku can make any day better (:
Lunar new year.
Egypt.
The events I am able to witness and things I am able to discover at this age is monumentally amazing.




Oh, and blasting this song in headphones is amazing.

writing: because it's winter

i am a mechanism for my own best interest. this song reminds me of the film hackers. great for bkgrd melodies while studying. feel it. focus. accomplish. as for thoughts on the video, it makes me think consciousness must be found. Charles Minot wrote in 1902, "Consciousness is at once the oldest problem of philosophy and one of the youngest problems of science. The time is not yet for giving a satisfactory definition of consciousness... Opinions may be divided into two classes... those which make consciousness a real phenomenon; the second those views which interpret it as an epiphenomenon. We are, I think practically all, agreed that the fundamental question is: Does or does not consciousness affect directly the course of events?-- or, stated in other words, is consciousness a true cause? In short, we encounter at the outset the problem of free-will."
I find these thoughts rather significant in coming to understand one's place in the world of waking life.

Consciousness must be found. when one is aware, one is awake. alive. present. one is within the element of time and therefore understands it. The sun, the moon and the stars mark one's place in space. Watches merely mark the next meal, the next interaction, the next event. One must learn to follow their urge of hunger, tiredness, ect according to their body and surrounding's natural rhythms, not a numerical value. Find solace within the chaos of humans' attempt to create order. Live naturally. And let your mind find it's home. Oneness.

writing: when all else fails.

at least the sky is beautiful.



my heart. my soul. my life and my sun.




i love you.

writing: sultry.

because it's beautiful.. dimly lit rooms. red wine. thc.

writing: sunflowers.

passion tazo tea. reading paulo freire. sunflowers. dramamine in the background. there's something about Modest Mouse's videos that get to me.