writing: goodbye

good riddance semester of death. i hate you and you can burn in a fiery furnace.
general chemistry: coolest subject terribly explained by a professor that needs to go to a teaching workshop. fuck Cs and 30 pages of homework a week that I received 47% completion on.
applied statistics: easiest concept course that was made inconceivably difficult by a man that had a studdering issue. fail.
bio: rocked.
russian:fail.
art history: cool, but i failed @ effort.


what did i learn?
nothing significant academically. most importantly I learned I procrastinate. I don't put effort into school work. I don't focus when I need to. I suck at being a student. Why do I feel like I'm in high school 'taking classes' that I don't even want to be a part of, when I'm in college- I picked my major, I picked my courses, and its the teacher that makes or breaks the class. I feel like if I'm paying for an education, I should pay to BE EDUCATED, not be taught how to educate myself. How fucking difficult is it to lecture COHERENTLY? jeezy creezy.
Well, this brings me to my next thought that copes with this issue. college isn't about being taught the subject matter, but being taught to think differently by learning to cope with difficulties that coincide with a particular professor+course material.. I manipulate this so I can be as lazy as possible and still 'get by' with a B. I should be taking advantage of this and stretching my knowledge as far as possible to understand concepts completely and have an A. But I don't have the drive to do that. I'd rather sit in lecture like a sponge and absorb knowledge.. you know be PROFESSED to, by a uhmm... professor? that's what they're called, right? Anyway, I don't make the world turn round so I have to cope with what I have in a positive manner instead of hating myself for failing (not making a 3.8.. or 3.5... or I don't even think a 3.0. im fucking pathetic and an embarrassment, and selfishly rude and immature for not putting my family's money to use by educating myself)
SO
why dont i study?
i feel like i should be smart enough to 'figure it out' and make a good grade without studying. its bullshit.
my friends tell me im 'smart as shit', but i think im honestly stupid and not worth 'A' material. my family should be happy with less from me.
i want to have a couple weeks of silence and read novels. a lack of communication would do me well, im sick of talking, im sick of bitching, im sick of putting my thoughts into words when they're meaningless and unintelligent.
again, fuck you semester for reflecting my failures.