good riddance semester of death. i hate you and you can burn in a fiery furnace.
general chemistry: coolest subject terribly explained by a professor that needs to go to a teaching workshop. fuck Cs and 30 pages of homework a week that I received 47% completion on.
applied statistics: easiest concept course that was made inconceivably difficult by a man that had a studdering issue. fail.
bio: rocked.
russian:fail.
art history: cool, but i failed @ effort.
what did i learn?
nothing significant academically. most importantly I learned I procrastinate. I don't put effort into school work. I don't focus when I need to. I suck at being a student. Why do I feel like I'm in high school 'taking classes' that I don't even want to be a part of, when I'm in college- I picked my major, I picked my courses, and its the teacher that makes or breaks the class. I feel like if I'm paying for an education, I should pay to BE EDUCATED, not be taught how to educate myself. How fucking difficult is it to lecture COHERENTLY? jeezy creezy.
Well, this brings me to my next thought that copes with this issue. college isn't about being taught the subject matter, but being taught to think differently by learning to cope with difficulties that coincide with a particular professor+course material.. I manipulate this so I can be as lazy as possible and still 'get by' with a B. I should be taking advantage of this and stretching my knowledge as far as possible to understand concepts completely and have an A. But I don't have the drive to do that. I'd rather sit in lecture like a sponge and absorb knowledge.. you know be PROFESSED to, by a uhmm... professor? that's what they're called, right? Anyway, I don't make the world turn round so I have to cope with what I have in a positive manner instead of hating myself for failing (not making a 3.8.. or 3.5... or I don't even think a 3.0. im fucking pathetic and an embarrassment, and selfishly rude and immature for not putting my family's money to use by educating myself)
SO
why dont i study?
i feel like i should be smart enough to 'figure it out' and make a good grade without studying. its bullshit.
my friends tell me im 'smart as shit', but i think im honestly stupid and not worth 'A' material. my family should be happy with less from me.
i want to have a couple weeks of silence and read novels. a lack of communication would do me well, im sick of talking, im sick of bitching, im sick of putting my thoughts into words when they're meaningless and unintelligent.
again, fuck you semester for reflecting my failures.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
writing: names
if you think everything has a meaning.. then you better think that names are meaningful. the concept of names is one of the most archaic inventions of humankind. A system for naming each individual person. Rather than the right brain perspective of an orderly arrangement of organisms, but a culturally unique complicated system of naming offspring. Rather than the obvious last name, humans will decide or think up of names to give their children.. oftentimes family names will be "passed down". lets take a side track here: the concept of passing down names is sensible in that there will be a holistic document of realistic time, but what kind of inherited gene gives humans this (eh.. "natural"? or rather unnatural?) trait in which to do this?
Thursday, November 4, 2010
writing: sometimes
Sometimes, while I'm in my dorm.. peacefully alone thinking about how beautiful life is.. it can be this simple
you turn on Plains[Eastern Montana Blues] by George Winston, pour some water to boil.. you note how incredibly beautiful the serene cloudy light hitting the water is. Pouring the water over the tea pouch you consider the tea of choice: TAZO wild sweet orange..
some think of this tea as having the smell/taste of a "public bathroom"
just smelling the pouch made me realize that wild sweet orange is not in fact a plethora of smells all counteracting and making a foul smelling essence.. it s truly a wild orangey bliss. Combined with the track by Mr. Winston, you can image sitting in grassy plains, feeling the crisp air and infusion with the Earth, just as the lightly earthy, warmly orange, licorice root essence of this tea gives. Unfavorable appeal to this tea can seem to a result of not paying attention to the three nuances this tea professes..
perhaps I don't have a motive for this post right now, but at least I can say is that I have the aspiration to write my thoughts, the feeling comes across me and becomes one of the moods I strongly want to maintain. I wish I could attach all my thoughts directly to words, it's easy to get caught up and trying to have this "motive" that people usually have when writing a blog post. unique complete thoughts that combine to form an overall scheme that leaves the reader satisfied. . sometimes I don't know that this is necessary to write a successful post, choosing where the mind shall wander needn't be considered a sloppy post.. musical artists improv all the time, and it comes out beautiful. sometimes though, I feel a writer must need talent to communicate in this way as many musical artists are considered to be more than just taught but inertly gifted.. So do I have this, or don't I? wouldn't it be easier and just know now so I don't seem to waste my time when there are better outlets.. maybe it just takes some time to delve deeper into writing and see if people find your writing style popular. . hmm, im not sure. sometimes I could do more than play piano, but speak piano verbally, the method of getting thoughts/feelings/perspectives across seem much more fitting that the English language. however, if piano could theoretically be a verbal language, it would then have to be broken up into more than just notes... this wouldnt work if piano were a language. they way one may interpret a song may be different than another, in which case a possibly beautiful song could be corrupted by a lack of these perspectives/feelings/thoughts that the language depends on to work best for everybody. .. in retrospect this seems to be the way the english language already is.. it would only be disastrous because masterpieces would be abused and it would be sad...
what I think I might be trying to say is communicating in song seems to be absolutely perfect when in solitude, or professing one's thoughts to a mass. Because all that matters is your thoughts.. and you profess them for yourself.. and there are bound to be other people who respect that.
I think it's captivating being able to truly enjoy what is provided for you and simply be. Oftentimes I'll get wrapped up in how wrong it is that I bought this water bottle when I already have a camelbak watter bottle.. what a waste of plastic. millions of people buy plastic bottled beverages every day..this should be something more aware of and I don't think i should support this.. these thoughts are so full of worry and anger. however, being able to enjoy honey in my tea even though the honey bottle is plastic is much more calm and accepting of the world around me.. sigh, I am rather ridiculous at times.. so on tea, thoughts, music, communicating, wastefulness, i think there are much more things this could be on. ah, if i could really consider the most important ones to me and define a self credo, I feel as though I would be more satisfied with my life. sigh, I would love to sit in a sunroom right now and have my tea and enjoy the mood of rainy November days in Pennsylvania that have seem to set upon. Honestly though, if I'm going to say it.. I do wish he was here right now.. I feel as though he surrounds me even when he's not here, such a thing I've never witnessed and frankly it kind of scares me that it exists.. like how can one person affect another so strongly? I have no idea if he feels the same way, but I find myself astounded on a daily basis as to how we are together today.. if he was reading this I would have to tell him sorry I'm a stupid girl that is overly infatuated with this slow realization. I never have the urge to draw such odd drawings, just about him and I. Why would I, person of holding strong boundaries, feel comfortable making these drawings.. and sending them to him, hoping he understands. Perhaps drawings are just yet another form of communication, only I don't understand how what I've drawn relates to what I'm trying to convey..and I think he understands. I think what we have is incredible, and what we could be is unmeasurable with the amount we connect just by looking in each others' eyes. It is completely insane because I have never had the impulse to talk about this completely personal nonsense. on a blog. my god.. but truth be told he has the entirety of my heart, and all I can do is move forward with faith.. sigh, I should consider more often that life is not just full of sad injustices, misconceptions, and disheartening priorities, but it is innately beautiful. The foundational essences of the natural world beautifully exemplify the workings of chemistry and physics.. ideas that ground out existence.. and the essences that human life has created.. teas of endless flavor, the ability to communicate while in solitude yet to quite a considerable amount of people.. literature.. mmm books. I could rant about the incredibleness of books for quite a while but it seems unnecessary for the moment..as I continue to over glorify how appreciative of life I am.. I feel like life would be better spent enjoying whats around me rather than trying to figure out what it means to be human, why we are living the way in which we do.. how is one of the questions I feel comfortable/eager about. how things work.. biology and chemistry have my fully hooked.. I'm still continuing to find a comfort zone on the "being human" aspect. because it's a curious question, but also in my opinion unsettling. but I should leave that for another post sometime... hopefully this will be semi-satisfying of a first little post. maybe I can figure out a main motive for this blog.. still, it all feels a little personal, idk if I'll be okay with whomever reading this.
you turn on Plains[Eastern Montana Blues] by George Winston, pour some water to boil.. you note how incredibly beautiful the serene cloudy light hitting the water is. Pouring the water over the tea pouch you consider the tea of choice: TAZO wild sweet orange..
some think of this tea as having the smell/taste of a "public bathroom"
just smelling the pouch made me realize that wild sweet orange is not in fact a plethora of smells all counteracting and making a foul smelling essence.. it s truly a wild orangey bliss. Combined with the track by Mr. Winston, you can image sitting in grassy plains, feeling the crisp air and infusion with the Earth, just as the lightly earthy, warmly orange, licorice root essence of this tea gives. Unfavorable appeal to this tea can seem to a result of not paying attention to the three nuances this tea professes..
perhaps I don't have a motive for this post right now, but at least I can say is that I have the aspiration to write my thoughts, the feeling comes across me and becomes one of the moods I strongly want to maintain. I wish I could attach all my thoughts directly to words, it's easy to get caught up and trying to have this "motive" that people usually have when writing a blog post. unique complete thoughts that combine to form an overall scheme that leaves the reader satisfied. . sometimes I don't know that this is necessary to write a successful post, choosing where the mind shall wander needn't be considered a sloppy post.. musical artists improv all the time, and it comes out beautiful. sometimes though, I feel a writer must need talent to communicate in this way as many musical artists are considered to be more than just taught but inertly gifted.. So do I have this, or don't I? wouldn't it be easier and just know now so I don't seem to waste my time when there are better outlets.. maybe it just takes some time to delve deeper into writing and see if people find your writing style popular. . hmm, im not sure. sometimes I could do more than play piano, but speak piano verbally, the method of getting thoughts/feelings/perspectives across seem much more fitting that the English language. however, if piano could theoretically be a verbal language, it would then have to be broken up into more than just notes... this wouldnt work if piano were a language. they way one may interpret a song may be different than another, in which case a possibly beautiful song could be corrupted by a lack of these perspectives/feelings/thoughts that the language depends on to work best for everybody. .. in retrospect this seems to be the way the english language already is.. it would only be disastrous because masterpieces would be abused and it would be sad...
what I think I might be trying to say is communicating in song seems to be absolutely perfect when in solitude, or professing one's thoughts to a mass. Because all that matters is your thoughts.. and you profess them for yourself.. and there are bound to be other people who respect that.
I think it's captivating being able to truly enjoy what is provided for you and simply be. Oftentimes I'll get wrapped up in how wrong it is that I bought this water bottle when I already have a camelbak watter bottle.. what a waste of plastic. millions of people buy plastic bottled beverages every day..this should be something more aware of and I don't think i should support this.. these thoughts are so full of worry and anger. however, being able to enjoy honey in my tea even though the honey bottle is plastic is much more calm and accepting of the world around me.. sigh, I am rather ridiculous at times.. so on tea, thoughts, music, communicating, wastefulness, i think there are much more things this could be on. ah, if i could really consider the most important ones to me and define a self credo, I feel as though I would be more satisfied with my life. sigh, I would love to sit in a sunroom right now and have my tea and enjoy the mood of rainy November days in Pennsylvania that have seem to set upon. Honestly though, if I'm going to say it.. I do wish he was here right now.. I feel as though he surrounds me even when he's not here, such a thing I've never witnessed and frankly it kind of scares me that it exists.. like how can one person affect another so strongly? I have no idea if he feels the same way, but I find myself astounded on a daily basis as to how we are together today.. if he was reading this I would have to tell him sorry I'm a stupid girl that is overly infatuated with this slow realization. I never have the urge to draw such odd drawings, just about him and I. Why would I, person of holding strong boundaries, feel comfortable making these drawings.. and sending them to him, hoping he understands. Perhaps drawings are just yet another form of communication, only I don't understand how what I've drawn relates to what I'm trying to convey..and I think he understands. I think what we have is incredible, and what we could be is unmeasurable with the amount we connect just by looking in each others' eyes. It is completely insane because I have never had the impulse to talk about this completely personal nonsense. on a blog. my god.. but truth be told he has the entirety of my heart, and all I can do is move forward with faith.. sigh, I should consider more often that life is not just full of sad injustices, misconceptions, and disheartening priorities, but it is innately beautiful. The foundational essences of the natural world beautifully exemplify the workings of chemistry and physics.. ideas that ground out existence.. and the essences that human life has created.. teas of endless flavor, the ability to communicate while in solitude yet to quite a considerable amount of people.. literature.. mmm books. I could rant about the incredibleness of books for quite a while but it seems unnecessary for the moment..as I continue to over glorify how appreciative of life I am.. I feel like life would be better spent enjoying whats around me rather than trying to figure out what it means to be human, why we are living the way in which we do.. how is one of the questions I feel comfortable/eager about. how things work.. biology and chemistry have my fully hooked.. I'm still continuing to find a comfort zone on the "being human" aspect. because it's a curious question, but also in my opinion unsettling. but I should leave that for another post sometime... hopefully this will be semi-satisfying of a first little post. maybe I can figure out a main motive for this blog.. still, it all feels a little personal, idk if I'll be okay with whomever reading this.
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