Journal

this was written in my journal, I'm publishing it here because I think it's something worth reading


Notes to self
What if I combined notebooks so it was simply a stream of thought I can draw connections from? Not only do concepts from classes cross over, but maybe it could help with memory retention as well as help develop my world view.  (It's raining. I love the rain so much).


I do already have a world view. I simply need to act on it. create chemical reactions compounded cosmologically, and change the fucking world.

Even if all actions are predetermined, your choices change the fucking universe. Can you grasp that? Did you know you had that power? Did you know we all have the same power and without language this would be instantly realized? Do not play God nor be his puppet. Go forth with all the magic inside you. You are a tree of universal seeds. You are from the dust of great stars. You are seeds of love. May you only be love. Consume love. Exhibit love. Love is not stupid, it is a necessary fact. And not without opposing forces. 

It is the job of humans to understand how the laws and also FORCES (people forget that) of nature correlate on perspectives of scale. The moon rules the fluids of the Earth. All life contains fluids. All life breathes. The Earth breathes and the fluids direct her motion. Fluids exist outside life as well, so water is one of our elemental elders participating in our creation. Fluids determine whether we live or die. This is one example, there are many forces. Please do awaken. Do not delude yourself with products of the oil industry. Do not be a container for old philosophical thought. Do create your own, and may every action exhibit the love you have come to understand. 

if poetry could seep from my veins like blossoming kaleidoscopes of intellectual and spiritual manifestations. colors would surge reflecting the beauty my mind's eye sees.. because beauty has that tinge of melancholic abandonment. because what you realize can only be attained through its momentary acknowledgement, then the idea fades back into the universe of dreams until it is tapped again by you or another.
but what else can i do, do, do. i always crave new horizons but i fragment my energies by forgetting that i was building a bridge in the first place, you know?
i know you know. know how it feels. to be floating on an ethereal plane of disconnect. and no, it is not negative or sad or fearful. just inspired and unsure.
we all float and blossom
continually
infinitely
entirely
and yet the cursor still blinks with anticipation, dancing to the metronome of my contemplation.
my pulse dances with it, harmonizing with caffeine and the warmth on my wrists, keeping my fingertips warm with joy and the anxious plead for enlightenment.
one being.
the light floats.
the heart flutters
the mind rises
drifting
finding
peace.

writing: early march

her eyes were tired from the light of the day. the projected emotions of imperfection cast through her like haze on an old window. there weren't any enchanting smells, ideas, or even an arid breeze to displace the loneliness from her individualized entity. lost in the waking dreams of her aspirations, clouded by the ideals of others. will she ever really be in the driver's seat?

the only refuge to her internal detriment is the relief of writing. somehow when she releases emphatically visionary poetry to the universe of the internet- for no one and anyone to read. usually a snippet of convoluted intellectual diatribe, but always harmonic to the healing of her soul. today she writes:

   "what thoughts have i extrapolated toward the universe to deserve this karmic negativity?   please, this frazzled energy is killing me.   pinching freshly cut grass blades, wondering what God has bestowed upon me.   sticky residue on my fingertips.   lonely thoughts trace my lips."

as well as:

‎"if the world went mute and sounds meant nothing, if letters were numbers and numbers were colors, how would you feel about right now? would your thoughts and emotions become more singular than a portrayed sentence?"

the westerly afternoon light is now in her eyes, her wrists sweat, her stomach gives sensations of hunger. but she feels unaccomplished and underserving of a hearty meal... taking without giving, consuming without replenishing... why? she wonders...

until tomorrow..

Prospects For the Future of My Blog

If you've ever run across my blog, you've seen my sporadic posts have consisted of creative writing ramblings. However, I desire to make my blog a little more serious on environmental issues as well as a journey of my life as I set out to accomplish goals I've set for myself. Of course, I'll continually be pouring out ideas and perspectives on issues I find interesting but don't see it as a path for my particular future.

As for a little background about myself: I'm currently 20 years old and an undergraduate botany major in the United States. My geographical and social history is rather broad and my intellectual curiosities infinitely deep. After graduating highschool I attended a small private university in Philadelphia where I studied Biology. I decided after just one year to transfer to a University where I could earn a Botany degree, for some reason within me I find it very important for me to do, although I absolutely loved my education at SJU. Where I want to take my degree? Well, that seems limitless at this point, but that's a part of the reason for this technological time capsule.

Anyway, I'll keep this rather short because each day there are a million things to reference and project on.

writing: dream setting: garden

i was tending a very long garden, parts were already filled with plants other areas were simply freshly aerated and turned soil. Someone let my dog out of the house, and i hoped he wouldn't come trampling through the plants. He was fine (:.
I stood and turned to my left, seeing wooden trellises lining an invisible boundary that a fence might otherwise serve the purpose of. The trellises were filled with sunflowers, mostly facing in one direction. They were beautiful, and I loved their presence. I thought of my grandmother and walked along this boundary, now seeing an odd wooden sculpture that seemed to be made out of upcycled mahogany desk materials. There were black-eyed suzans all around it. I was now holding a blackberry bush. The container had a tag saying it should be placed next to a highway, that it was strong enough. But I needed to plant it by the black-eyed suzans. The next clear memory I have is standing on an elevator with some girl that I think was the character of a novel I've been reading. The numbers on the elevator didn't make sense, the two was up to the left of 6 and I rested my head against the wall of the elevator, laughing because nothing made sense and I didn't feel the need to panic. The elevator tilting back and forth, and my head started spinning. This is all I remember.

I wish my dreams were filled entirely with beauty, rather than trying to analyze boundaries in order to become aware that I'm dreaming. I really don't care if I know I'm dreaming. I just want to rest and have some tranquil dreams.

poem inspired from English class.

"surrounded by addiction, my freedom feels like a vice in itself.

riding the pale horse
she keeps her relationships carefully threaded,
attempting to control the uncontrollable.
her comfort is a lie.
sister, you are beyond lost.

sitting on her bed, crying and slurring
trying to make some connection between my altruism
and the red tail.
her sense of spirituality is egocentric and false
but she doesn't even have the ability to realize it.
she says she was embarrassed, but still wanted me to see her like that.
joke of a parent.

My freedom is a vice,
and I'm sick of your bullshit
I'm not sorry to say I'm leaving it behind
because unlike you, I'm not stuck in yesterday."

oh joy, reading poems about drug addiction in english.

writing: more on love

hopefully will be the day in which i finally find clarity.
how i need it.
the beginning of this song may be a turn off, but it starts to pick up around 1:50, and from 2:15 *sigh
"like stars in the sky, i'm floating into space. you can see it in my eyes, some say. this girl, this girl's in love.."
the limitlessness of love is probably it's most appealing quality. one can be in love with anything.
this is probably helpful if you read my older posts, when i say "i love you".. it doesn't necessarily relate to one person, or a person.
Love is always present when one is true to oneself.


... maybe something lighter is also necessary :p. take it easy.